


Fantastic Beasts and How to Hide Them

by LBibliophile



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Acromantula - Freeform, Basilisk - Freeform, Boggarts, Book: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, Centaurs, Cerberus - Freeform, Dementors, Dragons, Gen, Ghosts, Giants, Gobblins, Halfbreeds, Hippogriffs, House Elves, Merpeople, Poltergeists, Trolls, Veela, Werewolves, not the movie, sarcastic!Harry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-26
Updated: 2017-06-12
Packaged: 2018-11-05 02:58:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11004549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LBibliophile/pseuds/LBibliophile
Summary: "This article is intended as a commentary and companion to Newt Scamander's 'Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them', annotating a selection of the entries contained therein. Personal experience has shown me that amateurs attempting to work with such creatures are often lacking in common sense and require more specific instructions." As written by Harry Potter.Harry reflects on the many creatures he has encountered over his years at Hogwarts, most of them outside of the official class...





	1. Foreword

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Foreword

This article is intended as a commentary and companion to Newt Scamander's 'Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them', annotating a selection of the entries contained therein. While his book does an excellent job of describing a range of magical creatures – their physical properties, habits and habitat – personal experience has shown me that amateurs attempting to care for such creatures are often lacking in common sense and require more specific instructions.

A more accurate title for this work is perhaps 'Fantastic Beasts and How _Not_ to Hide Them' ; I can only hope that future enthusiasts learn from the mistakes of their predecessors.

Dedicated to Rubeus Hagrid, whose hobby provided data for many of these entries. Hagrid, they're not all simply 'misunderstood', you're just rather more indestructible than the rest of us.

_Harry Potter_

**Chapter 1: Fantastic Beasts**

\- Acromantula

\- Basilisks

\- Cerberus

\- Dragons

\- Hippogriffs

\- Trolls

\- Werewolves

**Chapter 2: Fantastic Beings**

\- Centaurs

\- Giants

\- Goblins

\- Halfbreeds

\- House Elves

\- Merpeople

\- Veela

\- Werewolves*

**Chapter 3: Fantastic Incorporeals**

\- Boggarts

\- Dementors

\- Ghosts

\- Poltergeists

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is the result of reading too many logical reinterpretations of the series, and is my first real attempt at a humour-fic. Because Harry's classes are totally insufficient for dealing with the realities of his life.
> 
> Also, note that this was written before I realised JK has already done a variation on this, and I have not read her version. It also has no connection to the Fantastic Beasts movie.


	2. Chapter 1: Fantastic Beasts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 1: Fantastic Beasts

**Acromantula**

Acromantula are very large, semi-intelligent, carnivorous spiders. As such, it is inadvisable to keep them in in a well-frequented public space, such as a school. This is particularly the case when another creature – of whatever type – is currently attacking students.

A better location is a large, remote forest (or part thereof), with plentiful food supply. Even then, steps should be taken to prevent said food from consisting of passing humans. Note that any agreements made between a colony and an individual do not necessarily extend to others.

**Basilisks**

Basilisks are highly dangerous snakes, able to kill with a look alone. For this reason, any contact should be facilitated by an appropriate parselmouth. Furthermore, the hazardous nature of the basilisk requires it to be kept out of reach of casual contact; the application of parseltongue passwords ensures that access is limited to those with at least a basic level of communication and control. While the liberal use of reflective surfaces can be employed to mitigate the worst effects of any accidents, it is recommended that the basilisk's lair be kept away from populous areas.

When considering the care of a basilisk, be aware that in the right environment this magical serpent can live for upwards of several centuries, meaning than plans need to be made for their continued care and control past you own lifetime. Care factors include the ongoing availability of both shelter and food source. Other considerations include the availability of a suitable parseltongue and guidelines directing its permissible movements and release, taking into account the fact that in the hands of a skilled parseltongue the basilisk can be a powerful and deadly weapon.

Note that the key to dealing with a basilisk, be it in battle or while under your command, is to control its sight.

**Cerberus**

The three-headed Cerberus is traditionally used as a guard dog, however its weakness for music is well-documented in mythology. As such, while it provides an adequate deterrent and additional obstacle, it proves to be no barrier to the sufficiently prepared witch or wizard (or even Muggle, for that matter). There are also the added complications of providing sufficient food and exercise.

At this point, I would like to add in an aside. If for any reason, a Cerberus or one of the other beasts mentioned in this work is required to be placed within a school, appropriate steps should be taken to prevent contact with the students. While logic dictates that a warning stating trespass will be met with a 'most painful death' should be sufficient, it is vital to understand that the teenage mind sees this instead as a challenge and invitation. Furthermore, even first years are able to cast a simple unlocking spell, making unprotected locks insufficient.

Note that if the passage being guarded requires access for inspection, any inspectors should have been identified to the Cerberus to avoid the afore mentioned painful death.

**Dragons**

While dragon eggs can be hatched in a common hearth fire, dragons mature rapidly during their infancy; including exponential growth and breathing fire from a young age. For this reason, it is inadvisable to attempt to raise a young dragon at home; particularly if said home consists of a small, wooden hut. It is recommended that at the earliest possible convenience the dragon is relocated to an appropriate preserve. Thus allowing them access to space, companionship and trained handlers.

Of course, this is an unusual situation in the first place, as it is incredibly difficult to retrieve a dragon egg from the nest without falling afoul of the protective mother. Not to mention trying to get away again. Whatever your motivations, I strongly discourage any attempts to do so, particularly in uncontrolled environments.

Note: While their reputation has inspired some races (goblins) to use dragons as guards, confinement and pain should not be considered acceptable methods of training and control.

**Hippogriffs**

The key to working with hippogriffs is respect. This applies not just during the initial greeting ritual, but throughout your dealings. Such a touchy attitude can make them difficult for insufficiently serious beginners to work with.

In particular, the point should be made that, while they may have only a rudimentary understanding of human language, hippogriffs are adept at reading tone and will react to any insults accordingly. Hippogriffs make the (not so unreasonable) demand for respect, and have the talons to enforce this requirement. You have been warned.

Once you have gained their respect, however, hippogriffs have shown to be loyal, and willing to cooperate with a wide range of endeavours. Riding a flying hippogriff, for example, is as exhilarating as it is uncomfortable.

While, with appropriate care, hippogriffs can endure several months kept inside, they much prefer open space to hunt and fly, and the company of a herd/flock of others.

**Trolls**

While humanoid, most trolls prove to be only semi-intelligent at best. Despite this, they make acceptable guards in situations where brute force is the only requirement. In these cases, care should be taken to ensure either that they are sufficiently trained (as in the case of official security trolls) or they are appropriately confined. An unrestrained troll is willing and able to hunt down and attack humans, including witches and wizards.

As with many other magical creatures, trolls are highly resistant to direct magic. While they can be fought in this way, it requires the combined spells of several adult witches or wizards. Instead, the creative application of Muggle or more indirect magical methods should be considered. For example, a simple levitating charm placed on a club then terminated at an appropriate height and position is enough to knock a troll unconscious for several minutes.

**Werewolves**

It is important to note that, while classified as creatures, this definition technically only applies for one night a month. At all other times, the werewolf is a normal witch or wizard and should be treated as such. Supporting this, is the fact that werewolves are the only entry in this book where an individual is created via infection, rather than born. 

Unfortunately, society as a whole does not yet accept this fact, so a certain level of care and discretion must be maintained at all times. Official regulations demand that all werewolves are registered, however the restrictions associated with this status mean that many choose instead to attempt to hide their condition.

For those people the lycanthrope interacts with only infrequently, this fact can be easily omitted; informing the other only if and when it becomes relevant. For those with more regular contact and a predisposition towards werewolf acceptance, informing them has proven to be highly beneficial to the werewolf's health, both physical and mental. For the remainder, a decent repertoire of excuses should be compiled. Excuses must allow for both absence during the full moon, and illness/injuries either side. Avoid repeating excuses overly frequently, or provide alternate explanation for regularity.

During the full moon, concealing the werewolf becomes more challenging. The standard method is to confine the wolf to a room or cage; however this frequently proves detrimental to the wolf in question, which will turn its frustration upon itself. If facilities allow, a more favourable option is to spend the night in a location that is sufficiently remote as to allow the wolf to roam freely. It is advisable to have this method facilitated by an appropriate animagus, to provide both companionship and intervention in the case of incidents. Both methods are greatly improved by the prior consumption of Wolfsbane potion.


	3. Chapter 2: Fantastic Beings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2: Fantastic Beings
> 
> Unlike the Muggle world (and in contrast to the views expressed by certain Ministry personnel), witches and wizards share the magical world with several other species of equivalent intelligence and social structure. When interacting with these beings it is important to acknowledge this classification and accord them the appropriate respect. Note: if you do not do so, most are willing and capable of enforcing it for you.

**Centaurs**

Centaurs are territorial and often reluctant to cooperate with humans more than absolutely necessary, although this can vary between herds and individuals.

The exception to this rule is children, which are highly valued. Any children stumbling into their territory will not be harmed nor driven off, and will indeed be actively protected. It is uncertain exactly what constitutes a centaur's definition of child, however the label extends to at least pre-OWLs students.

Additionally, centaurs are widely known for their cryptic astrological predictions, and very rarely share these skill with outsiders. Any opportunity to be taught this practice is therefore highly valuable; from a cultural standpoint if not a practical one.

**Giants**

Giants are one of several species of semi-intelligent humanoids. They have developed a rough society, and are capable of basic communication. Due to their great size, giant communities are generally found in areas remote from humans; this should be encouraged.

Restraining a young giant (even willingly) within a magically diverse forest near a population centre is inadvisable. Most importantly, this encroaches on the territory of the magical species currently claiming the area, upsetting the frequently delicate balance of agreements between naturally-hostile beings. Isolating the giant in this way also tends to make them overenthusiastic at any contact, further increasing the likelihood of injuries from their superior strength.

Part-giants are uncommon but possible. In this case, their status should be determined by their genetic predisposition and the society into which they have integrated. A part-giant living among humans and with the ability to cast magic should be granted the full rights of a witch or wizard. [See Halfbreeds below.]

**Goblins**

Goblins are famed for their skills with precious metals, in both crafting and financial management. Of the races mentioned on this list, they have the most regular contact with humans, despite displaying a typically condescending and resentful attitude. For this reason, it is advised that a high level of respect be employed in all your dealings with them (even moreso than with other races). Remember that they have both sole access to the majority of the wizarding world's cash supply, and a history of rebellion.

Goblins who feel they are being coerced or taken advantage of are adept at finding loopholes in contracts and agreements. This is particularly the case if reinterpretations allows them to regain a valuable goblin-made artifact of disputed ownership.

**Half-breeds**

This is a derogatory term used to describe someone of mixed-species parentage – usually a witch or wizard with one of the other races on this list – or their children. As with any child, they will inherit certain traits from their 'creature' parent in addition to their human one; these may include height, strength, features, or magical resistance and/or abilities. I myself am well acquainted with individuals whose ancestry includes giant, goblin or veela (also werewolf; see Werewolves in Chapter 1 for my reasoning as to why they are not true half-breeds).

While emphasis in these cases is usually placed on the 'creature' heritage, the magical parent is equally important. Early in the child's life, a decision needs to be made as to which side of the child's family will provide their primary culture. This may be chosen according to access, inherited abilities, inclination, or other. If they choose to primarily identify with the magical world, that individual should be awarded all the rights and status of a witch or wizard; yet without the need to suppress the rest of their inheritance.

**House Elves**

House elves are an interesting sub-category of magical 'being', having human-equivalent intelligence, yet almost no apparent culture independent of their relationship with witches an wizards.

House elves are magically bound to a family (or institution), keeping their secrets and obeying their orders. Thus, any interaction with house elves outside your own possession must be undertaken with an awareness of the context of that family. This includes sensitivity towards the opinions, alignment and behaviours of that family; and any standing orders the elf may have been given. In particular, some elves are required to punish themselves if they attempt to go against an order or speak ill of their family, requiring additional care during communication touching on these subjects.

Despite these restrictions, house elves are magically powerful, and practiced at finding loopholes and alternate interpretations in orders. An elf who likes you will go to almost any lengths to help you (if in ways other than you would prefer), while a unwilling elf finds ample opportunity to make life as difficult as possible while still following direct orders.

A note to muggle-borns in particular: While house elves are technically slaves, this has very different connotations to the muggle world. House elves were magically bred to this purpose, and are socially and psychologically adapted to the situation. A house elf's deepest drive is to serve. With the rare exception, these elves are horrified and offended at the thought of being freed or 'presented with clothes', and quickly fall into debilitating depression upon its occurrence. A better avenue for an activist to pursue is in the standardisation and policing of their working conditions. Even then, guidelines should be based on the elves' own preferences, rather than trying to restrict them to human standards.

**Merpeople**

Due to their underwater living environment, most contact with merpeople is restricted to the establishment of territorial treaties. The only comment relevant to add at this point is that attempts to speak or listen to mermish are best taken while underwater. The acoustics of the language in the human ear makes it much more pleasant to experience in its intended environment, particularly at any volume.

**Veela**

The most important thing to be aware of when working with veela is their 'allure'. This is a magical-pheromonic sexual attraction, influencing all males within a certain range (assuming a female veela and purely heterosexual subjects; the effects of alternate sexual orientations in either veela or audience has not been sufficiently examined).

Those under the influence of the allure feel an overwhelming desire to increase proximity to the veela, and show off to impress them and gain their attention. This desire can be strong enough to over-ride any social or safety considerations. For this reason, if exposure to an active allure is expected, additional precautions should be taken. These may include spells (such as a barrier to prevent you jumping off a 50ft balcony), or the company of an unaffected friend who is able to knock some sense into you before you embarrass yourself in front of half your school.

The exact strength of allure varies on a case by case basis according to a range of factors. This includes the veela's intended intensity and target, and the subject's strength of mind (and hormone levels) and previous experience. While a part-veela may have access to this ability, the effects are less intense than those of a full-blooded veela.

One factor about veela that is important to keep in mind (particularly when under their influence, although this is when you are most likely to forget) is that, while they may look like unnaturally beautiful women, this is another part of their allure and not their true shape. If a veela is threatened or angered, they transform into a harpy-like form, with beaked bird-heads and scaled wings, and able to throw balls of fire. You have been warned.

**Werewolves**

[see under Chapter 1: Fantastic Beasts]

Unfortunately, the uncontrolled (without the Wolfsbane Potion) nature of werewolves during the full moon has caused witches and wizards afflicted with lycanthropy to currently be classified as 'beasts', rather than the more accurate 'beings' or simply 'chronically-ill humans'. Expect this classification to be updated in future editions.


	4. Chapter 3: Fantastic Incorporeals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3: Fantastic Incorporeals
> 
> Not all magical creatures are made of flesh and blood. The addition of magic allows for the existence of a selection of more incorporeal forms, such entities spanning a range of degrees of sentience.

**Boggarts**

While not a pleasant creature to stumble across unexpectedly – and often outright traumatising – boggarts provide a useful tool in the identification and managing of your greatest fear. As this can easily turn into a major weakness, it can be prudent to identify it first in a controlled environment.

The key in this case is to keep calm, and remember that it is only a boggart showing a representation of your fear, not the fear itself. This is the true danger of unplanned encounters.

For planned sessions, it is recommended that the ‘victim’ confront the boggart as part of a group. This both keeps the witch or wizard grounded, and confuses the boggart. What one person fears, another may find amusing, meaning that an increased number of participants diffuses the effects. Be aware that the boggart’s form still represents a genuine fear for that person, and all participants should remain respectful of that fact.

The official method of subduing a boggart consists of the use of _riddiculus_ to force it into an amusing shape, then weakening it with laughter; alternatively, you may choose to fight the boggart’s form directly. For example, the Patronus Charm works just as well against the effects of a boggart-dementor as a real one; if slight overkill.

When not in use boggarts prefer to hide in an enclosed space, which should be sealed and clearly labelled to prevent unexpected encounters.

**Dementors**

First, it should be noted that dementors are loathsome beings whose very presence is torture. They can only be controlled through the use of the demanding Patronus charm, or treaties including payment in human souls.

Ideally, they should be kept as far from sentient beings as possible. Where dementors are unwilling to comply with this, the above methods should be employed to restrict their presence to those considered "deserving" of their effects. This is the rationale behind Azkaban prison. While they provide adequate deterrent and debilitation, it should be noted that those most strongly affected by the dementors are also those who might otherwise be rehabilitated. It also causes long-term damage to any prisoners who are later released, either through having completed their sentence or the discovery of mitigating evidence.

It is _not_ appropriate to place dementors around a school, even on the pretext of protecting the students. Their influence is omnidirectional, making their barrier suppressive not defensive. This not only effectively turns the school into a prison on par with Azkaban, but is particularly foolish when they have already proven to be an insufficient barrier to the target they are intended to block!

Furthermore, the presence of dementors where they should not be means only one of two things. A) They were sent there, despite any claims to the contrary, or B) control no longer resides where thought. Either way, it does not mean that the witness/victim must be lying.

[While the author admits to some bias due to prior experiences, all points expressed remain valid.]

**Ghosts**

Ghosts are the intangible magical imprint left by witches and wizards who have died, but refuse to move on to the afterlife. Usually bound to a location significant to them in life, they interact with the living world to varying degrees according to their personality and death-limitations.

Just as a ghost’s physical representation perpetually reflects the body’ state at the time of death, so too the ghost’s core mental and emotional state remains unchanged. This leads to them fixating on whatever issue they were most concerned with at this time - almost always relating to the circumstances leading to their death.

It is important to keep this focus in mind during interactions with ghosts, particularly when asking for their cooperation. Ghosts are far more likely to favour those who show an interest in their story (being the reason for their continued existence), than those with purely mundane concerns.

Given their unique perspective on history, cultivating a friendship with willing and available ghosts is to be encouraged, despite the occasional discomfort.

**Poltergeists**

Poltergeists are rare beings of magic, existing in places of high free-magic concentration. They are immortal, and contain human-level sapience, but flexible logic and morality. Their sole aim is to promote chaos for their amusement. (Fortunately, this generally takes the form of frequent but relatively minor pranks.)

While essentially harmless, poltergeist activities range from amusing to annoying to highly inconvenient. There are three approaches available for dealing with these.

The first is avoidance. Where possible, separate yourself from any disturbances, and do not allow the poltergeist to focus on you. If caught, show a moderate reaction, but do not escalate; poltergeists have a short attention span, and more on quickly when bored. This said, avoid showing no reaction to their activities, as this may be taken as a challenge and focus their attention on you.

The second, and most productive, method is redirection. As mentioned above, poltergeists have a short attention span, and an insatiable desire to cause chaos. A suitable suggestion of alternate activity or deserving target is often enough to get them to turn their attention elsewhere. Be aware however, that this negates the invisibility of the first method, and carries further consequences.

The final method is confrontation. Depending on approach, this can go very well or very badly. The later occurs from any attempts to exert authority over them. As beings of magic, poltergeists are exempt from mundane authority, and if pushed, will delight in proving the fact. Those of an appropriate mindset, however, may choose to retaliate in kind, initiating a prank war. While not for the faint-hearted, those who show skills in this arena are able to win a measure of respect, and may be granted certain concessions and assistance.

For day-to-day life, the first option is generally the most convenient, but the second can be highly desirable in the right circumstances.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have an alternative suggestion for the chapter title (particularly replacing 'Incorporeals' with something beginning with 'B', please let me know.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is the result of reading too many logical reinterpretations of the series, and is my first real attempt at a humour-fic. Because Harry's classes are totally insufficient for dealing with the realities of his life.  
> Also, note that this was written before I realised JK has already done a variation on this, and I have not read her version. It also has no connection to the  
> Fantastic Beasts movie.


End file.
